I opened the cafe’s door and eyed around. Few couples and a group of friends…Not that crowded. Although, the couples hardly looked away from the faces of their “the ones” , i knew the kids were not a threat. In fact, there was nothing here more dangerous than myself. I chose a corner. As i passed by, i notice two girls scanning me from head to toe. Yes i was a mess, a wet mess. It was raining. And I was drenched, from head to toe- water dripping. The jacket was wet, shirt was stuck to my body, unleashing the contour of my body and the jeans was heavier than before. I dragged my muddy shoes leaving a trail of brown water behind. The waiter, who had noticed my progress so far stared at me..were the creatures like me even allowed in the cafes like these?
May be the card in my wallet will speak.These days, it was the only communicator i had with the outside world. No questions were asked after the swipe. I enjoyed that. The cold air made me shiver, i dragged a chair and sat. My forearm ached and i momentarily closed my eyes in pain. I kept the phone on my desk and picked up the menu with wet, trembling hands, and i noticed the blood drops descending along the forearm. I quickly wiped it across my jacket, and looked around only to find many faces staring at me. I glared at them and they looked away. I browsed through the menu and settled for one hot coffee, the waiter took away the menu glaring at me again. I looked around. A television broadcasting the days news, the group of friends giggling and sipping from the thick shakes. The couples engrossed in a one-sided conversation, the male munching over the fries while the girl talked…and talked…and talked. I was sick of it. All of it.
By the time the coffee arrived, i was freezing. I teared the sugar packets, poured and stirred. Then sipped hurriedly. Aah! That felt so good. So f***ing good. But that didn’t drive away the guilt. I pulled up the sleeves briefly, the scars were pretty visible, the skin was red and few drops of blood oozed out. I pulled down, quick. I was feeling better now. The giddiness had worn out. The caffeine worked. I could see things clear now.
Thirty minutes must have passed since the bullets were fired. Someone must have discovered the body. I never meant to shoot him. I couldn’t even kick someone back then. But tonight, i kind of drifted away…It was going on for a while. They had expectations, i had to do things differently…debates, rows and then today, I lost it all. I was never good enough …..and i couldn’t be now because i murdered him.
The thought itself made me shiver violently. Few couples broke up and looked at me, concern in their eyes. “Could you decrease the temperature, please?” I mumbled with the faint of energy left in me and the waiter did so. The couples resumed. I closed my eyes, clutching the warm mug.
Now , as i would walk out after few minutes, would the world respect me more? Would they like me? Would they love me? I longed for it, longed for the inclusion, longed for resemblance. I just wanted to fit in, to blend in the crowd. I was happier there. But “Be fun Sam! At least once in your life” They said. I had my own definitions of fun. But who cares? The pill had started to kick in, i could feel my eyelids heavier and i sipped some more coffee.
Any minute they would walk in..any minute..The door opened and i saw two familiar faces looking around and finally settled over me. “Sam..oh Sam! We were worried about you, Where the hell have you been? Wheres your cellphone? We called like three hundred times.” I could barely hear them,now, also my vision was hazy. I felt them, tugging my jacket. And their their gasps as they saw in horror the wounds i made. “Mam,may I know whats going on?” I heard the waiter speaking. “We were looking for him…He tried to kill himself! Robin, his friend, saw his car parked outside and called us. Oh Sam!!! You are bleeding.!” I could feel her shaking with fear. The pain was terrible..I shook my eyelids and noticed the whole crowd around me…This is fun i thought. Finally. I pulled out the card from my wallet and said “Swipe away!”